Things You’ll Never Hear Recruiters Say

I was reading a blog earlier that offhandedly mentioned that comedy writers will often use an exercise called “Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say” as both a writing prompt and a way to overcome writer’s block. First of all, I think that is a brilliant idea for sparking creative thought. Secondly, it got me thinking (humorously) about all the recruiters I know, who are generally a pretty fun (and funny) bunch of people. So, here is a lighthearted and possibly slightly snarky post of things you’ll never hear recruiters say:

“Of course it’s no trouble to bring in an additional 5 candidates just in case you find someone you like better.”

“I’d be happy to take on your complicated search for a 7.5% fee.”

“I think it’s a great idea to interview some candidates before you figure out what the job requirements are.”

“I’m sure you won’t burn any bridges by backing out of this employment offer.”

“In this severe talent shortage, any good candidate will be happy with your below-market offer.”

“SURE, I’d be delighted to be one of 24 search firms to work on your open opportunity through this super-fun VMS!”

“I enjoy providing a free service to source 3 candidates that can be compared to your internal candidate so that he/she can be hired with a proper comparison.”

“I’m sure it won’t be a problem that you forgot to disclose your failed drug test.”

“Accepting a job offer is a great tactic to convince your current employer to give you a raise.”

“My guarantee is unconditional. Even if your hiring manager is a complete idiot and causes a great employee to leave, I will be thrilled to start the search all over again, for free!”

“Feel free to ignore our payment terms. I don’t mind waiting six months or more to get paid for the work I did for you.”

“Thanks for completely changing your salary requirements now that we’ve received the offer.”

Most recruiters have probably experienced a situation where they would have liked to use one of the above responses but didn’t. It’s tricky being in the middle of fickle candidates and clients. Superior recruiters know their worth and are fussy about both the clients and candidates they represent, but at the end of the day… people are people, and we are an unpredictable lot. Have something to contribute to this post? Add a comment below!